Devil get up off me...

I drive myself crazy from time to time. For the last two weeks, I have been insane. I know that we are supposed to stay positive and smile through the tough times, and know that the sun will come out tomorrow and that joy comes in the morning and all that, but sometimes all of that is easier said than done. I'm human. Most days, I am up, but some days, I am down. Some days, I am happy being unhappy.  

I've been back in the DMV for about 3 weeks now, and I'm looking for a new gig. This shit is so frustrating. Looking for a job and watching your bank account get lower and lower is a terrible feeling. One that I know far too well. In the past, I would deal with these things on my own. I would shut down. I would seclude myself from the world. It would just be me and God, figuring things out. He has always made something happen.  

We almost have a routine. I get in a funk, I'm in a shitty mood and stay to myself and go crazy for a few days, negativity runs wild in my head, I feel like a failure and that things will never get better. Then, I snap out of it. I remember how God has always looked out for me. Every single time. I start thanking him in advance for looking out for me again, and good things start to happen.

This go around, things have been more intense. Being in a relationship, and living with my girl, or shacking up as church folks would say, I can't go through my normal routine. I can't just shut down and be quiet for a few days. I can't seclude myself. When I do, I hear "What's wrong? What are you thinking about?" And I really rather not talk about it, and now I'm an asshole. So not only am I in a bad mood, but Alex is mad at me because I'm in a bad mood and ruining her good mood. I know that she only wants to help, I appreciate that, but the concept of receiving help and support is new to me. I'm new to all of this, having help and talking about my problems are stll hard for me. I like dealing with things my way, on my own. I know this sounds selfish, but that's the only way I know. I'm an old dog trying to learn new tricks. I'm working on it.

So since I wasn't able to go through my natural routine this time around, my funk lasted longer than normal. I was really going crazy, saying and thinking all types of negative things. I was so frustrated, I was no fun to be around. I'm sure Alex wanted to put my crazy ass out. She didn't though, she was patient with me, she knew that I was crazy when she first got with me. She's stuck with me now, in too deep. 

After going crazy for a couple of weeks, I decided that enough was enough this morning. I listened to Kendrick's album for about the 100th time, (it's a masterpiece)  and decided that I was out of my funk. On the last track of the album, Kendrick asks Tupac how did he manage to keep his sanity, Pac answers, "By my faith in God, by my faith in the game, and by my faith in all good things come to those who stay true." After hearing this, I got on my knees and apologized to God for being so negative and thanked him for every single blessing in my life. Next, I apologized to Alex for being a lunatic. I am officially out of my funk. I know for a fact that God is looking out for and that good things are coming my way. Ain't no negativity bih...