Flight 480

I'm writing this on a plane. Headed back to DC from KC.  My flight was scheduled to depart at 6:30. I arrived at the airport at 5. I was ready to hop on the plane, claim my window seat (don't want nobody next to me) and sleep straight through the flight. DCA had different plans. 

I went to check my bag, the man asked me did I know that my flight was delayed. I didn't. I was thinking probably a 15-30 minute delay. Nope. He tells me it's at 2 hours right now. I was HOT. But I couldn't do anything about it. (I'm working on recognizing and understanding this) So I calmed down, found a good secluded spot in the airport and chilled. 4 episodes of A Different World, 1 nap and a BBQ chicken pizza from CPK later, it was finally time to board the flight.

Now I'm sitting on the plane. I considered buying the wifi but I'm too cheap for that. (I ain't paying the five.)  So I decided to write. I'm in a good ass mood. I always am when I get a chance to go back home. I wasn't expecting to get to home this month, even though I wanted to. Al saw me moping around, missing my people on my birthday and decided to surprise me with a trip home for my moms bday on the 15th. ( side note: August is a huge birthday month for people in my life. Myself, a gang of cousins, my niece, my mom, my future mother in law, a few homies, 2 brothers, Barack O, Magic Johnson and Nip Hussle, all important people in my life. So shoutout to all the August babies.) I was so happy when she showed me the flight reservation. I wish that she could've joined me but she had a prior engagement in Boston. Therefore, I was making the trip solo.  

In the past when I would visit home, I would hit the ground running. I wanted to see everybody in the city. I wanted the whole city to know that I was home. Wherever the scene was, I was on it. Recently, my visits have been different. I don't even see the scene anymore. All of my time home is spent with my people. I don't get to see my family often, so I try to make the most out of the time that I do have with them.

Coming home always reminds me what is important. For me, there is nothing more important than the people that I love and that love me. I felt so good sitting in church next to my Mom. (Even if I was fighting off sleep the whole service) And watching the Royals game with my Brother, and eating breakfast with my Pops. And shootinthe shit with my boys until 2 AM like we've been doing for about 15 years now. These things will NEVER get old to me. The older I get, the more valuable they are. 

Now it's time for me to get home. I'm ready to be back with Alex and Charleigh. I miss my girls. Being around all of that positive energy at home, has really inspired me. Being around so many people that want the best for me, makes me want to make them all proud. So it's time to get back to business. I've got some big things coming soon and I'm hella excited about them. (Yes, hella) but right now, I'm getting tired, so I'm about to lean against this window and sleep until these wheels are touching the ground. 

Eight.Five

I'm writing this at 6:45 AM on August 5th. My birthday.  This is my first day as a 29-year-old. Damn. I'm down to my last year in my 20's. Alex has been calling me old all week like she's not right behind me. When I'm 89 and she's 86, I bet the difference won't seem like a lot. But I don't mind, as long as I still have the baby face and get carded everywhere I go, I'm good. Forever young. 

Some years, I have been down around my birthdays. I think that's natural. It's crazy. Nobody wants to get old, but nobody wants to die. When you think about it, a birthday is just an annual celebration of not dying for 365 more days. I'm happy to celebrate that. Every day on this side of the grass is a good one. 

The girls were out last evening, so I had time to think, and reflect. I came to the conclusion that life is good. God is good. I'm happy. I'm blessed. In years past, I have made the mistake of comparing myself to others when they were my age or younger. I remember thinking, "damn, Tupac was only 25 when he "died" (yes, I'm still hoping that he will come back one day.) look at how much he did in his short time here. What am I doing?" Or looking at NBA players signing 8 figure deals and being years younger than me. Or looking at my friends with law degrees or great careers, thinking that they had their shit together and I was lost. It is always easy to find someone that you think is doing better than you.

This year, I'm not focusing on anybody else. I'm feeling better than I've ever felt. I am healthy, I am surrounded by love, and all of my needs are met. I'm good. Today, Al was asking me what I wanted for my birthday. I want a lot of random things, (Unlike 2 Chainz, he only wanted one thing.) but I couldn't really think of anything that I needed. All of my needs are met. I've got a vision of my purpose that is getting clearer every day that I will make my reality. I've got an amazing woman and lil' girl that love my crazy ass and the best family and friends that I could ask for. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

When my boys and I used to work out, preparing for basketball season, we would always push harder on the last set. We would say, "last one, best one." So far, my 20's have been a hell of a ride. I've had some highs and some lows. I've made memories that I'll have forever. Now I have one more year before I close the book on my 20's. I'm ready for it. Last one, best one.

Dear Alex,

This is your third birthday in a row that we have spent together. I remember the first like it was yesterday. We had just met in person for the first time the day before. We were in LA, our journey was just beginning. I wasn't 100% sure that we would get to where we are in our relationship today, but in my gut, I could feel that it was a possibility. It just felt different. 

Here we are, two years later. I love you more today than ever. We've been through a lot  over the years, but we have came out stronger. We have learned so much about each other over this time. What I have learned to be fact, is that you love me. I never question that. 

This being your birthday weekend, I think it's the perfect time for me to say thank you. Thank you for letting me love you, and for loving me back. Sometimes I don't understand why you love me so much, but I'm happy that you do. I feel like you can see things in me that I only thought that I could see in myself.

I appreciate you. In our time together, I have had personal ups and downs. It's easy to stick with somebody when they're up, but you learn more about people when you're down. You remain the same no matter the circumstances. You have no idea how much that means to me. We have definitely been tested, and I know that what we have is solid.  To quote my mentor Nipsey Hussle, “When confronted with a problem we don't ever flee, We're connected at the bottom like the letter V." Our foundation of friendship will never change. Thank you for being a friend. (Traveled down the road and back again...Ayyyyeeee) I know that you have my back and I hope you know that I've got you covered.

I also thank you for being an inspiration. I know that you inspire people all over the world, literally. But you inspire me the most. I remember I was having a conversation with one of my boys about you, and I was telling him about all of the amazing work that you were doing. He asked me how I felt about it, was I intimidated? I told him Hell No. I couldn't be more proud. I explained to him how inspirational and powerful it is to wake up with someone that walks in their purpose everyday. Just being able to watch someone manifest their destiny and take control of their own life has let me know that it is possible. I know that you probably don't even realize that you are inspiring me everyday, but you are, and I thank you for that. I love being your number 1 fan. I know that you are just scratching the surface of your greatness and I am so excited to watch you grow. 

As I am writing this, you keep asking me if I am finished yet. I guess you're ready to get our day started, I could go on and on but I'll wrap it up. I hope that you are enjoying your birthday weekend. Thank you for letting me share it with you.  

I love you. Always.  

-Ry

Looking Up.

I am writing this at 8 AM on Saturday morning. I've been trying to write since Thursday night, but I've become an old man and I can't do anything after 10 PM anymore. Once the sun goes down, I am exhausted, I don't want to do anything but go to bed. Last night at our Friday night turn-up, (frozen yogurt, and watching Charleigh practice her cartwheels outside) it was about 9:45 when I laughed and Told Al that a few years ago I wouldn't even be getting ready to go out yet. Now I am ready to go to bed. I officially can't hang anymore. 

I've never been so happy to be so tired in my life. I've been working full time as an Uber driver for about a month now. Honestly, I was hesitant to include that in this entry. I know that it's not the most glamorous occupation, and no it's not my dream career, but it is giving me a way to provide for my family and there is NO shame in that. I was always taught that a man does what he has to do for his family. But it's not bad at all, I really enjoy doing it. It has many perks, but this isn't a paid uber advertisement, so I'll leave them out. Just know that I really like doing it. 

When I came back from Kansas City to the DMV, I was very excited. Al and I were in a great place, I was gonna get a good job and everything was gonna be alright. We were ready to conquer the world. Didn't happen. I couldn't get a job. It just wasn't happening. Jobs that I were really qualified for wouldn't even give me an interview. It was crazy, I didn't know what was going on. I was extremely frustrated to say the least.

The situation really tested us. I felt like shit. I couldn't support my family. I felt like I wasn't being a man. It was tough. I never want to feel like I'm being a burden on anyone. Alex didn't make me feel that way, but in my head, that's how I felt. If I'm not being productive, I'm not happy. If I'm not happy, I am no fun to be around. I know that money can't buy you happiness, but when I don't have any, it's hard as hell for me to be happy. It had us thinking that maybe I wasn't supposed to be here. There were times when I came very close to leaving. I was just gonna go back to Kansas City where I have connections and work there. Every time it would come time to leave, I just couldn't do it. I knew that my most important connection was here. I knew that we could make it work here. I know that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I believe that it is a part of my purpose.

I knew that I had to make something happen, After applying for countless jobs and not hearing anything back. Something had to give. I couldn't take being broke anymore. It was taking a huge toll on me and my family. I had signed up to be an Uber driver a few months ago, but I had just viewed it as a side hustle. I would just do it here and there. It was a fun way to help keep my head above water. One day I decided to give it a real shot, I woke up early and decided that I was gonna drive from 9-5. Just like a full time job. When I came home at 5, I had made more money for one day than I was making at my government job that I quit last year. I was hooked. I came home so happy, Alex and Charleigh could feel the difference. My energy was very positive, we all felt better.

Fast forward a month later, now I'm driving every day. I am so grateful to be able to work and be productive. I love waking up early in the morning and heading out to work. I love being exhausted at the end of the day. I thank God for every ride that I get. I know that these rides are helping me provide for my family and that is my main focus right now. 

It's crazy how much better being productive has made me feel. Just having that pressure and monkey off my back of trying to find work has done wonders. I feel like I am better in every role that I have. I feel closer to God than I've felt in a long time. My household is doing great. I feel like I am being a better son, brother and friend. My spirits are very high. After being low for so long, it feels good. I'm so happy that I didn't panic and move home.  Things are definitely looking up. 

Know your role...

This past Sunday ( Father's Day) was really laid back for me.  Since I live over 1,000 miles away from my Pops, I didn't get to see him, but we did have a good phone conversation. Alex was out of the country on business, and Charleigh was with her Grandparents, so I had the house to myself. Meaning, Boosie and Nipsey were being played at bachelor pad levels. Draws were not worn at all. The meals that I ate were not the healthiest. Plenty of naps were taken...just a high quality day.

On Father's Day, I've never been one to call or text every man that I know that has kids. I feel as though that is their kids responsibilities. I'll call my Pops, and you call yours. Uncles, Cousins, Homies, Coaches, etc. don't hear from me. This year, I did text my big brother Jus, since he gave me my only niece, and my brother Joe since he became a first time Dad last month. When I told them Happy Father's Day, they both said it back. This kind of threw me off, I guess I wasn't expecting it, but I said thank you. I received a couple other texts throughout the day, I was thankful for all of them. Especially when Alex finally had wifi and could iMessage me. Her message meant the most to me. It really made me think.

Monday, I cleaned up the house, put my draws on and went to go pick Al up from the airport. After I got her, we went to go pick Charleigh up from summer camp. When we got her, she gave me a huge hug and whispered, "I got you a present for Father's Day." She was so excited. I was too.

When we got back home, she ran to her room and brought out a gift bag. In the bag was a beautiful handmade card, a handmade arrowhead necklace that represents Kansas City and .81 cents. It was so sweet. I felt tears in my eyes, but they didn't come out. This happens a lot when something touches me. (When Mufasa died, When Ali lit the torch in Atlanta, When Babyface sings at Martin & Gina's wedding, When Cleo's car got shot up, When Allen Iverson retired, When Will wanted to know how come his Dad didn't want him man) I gave Charleigh a huge bear hug and kiss on the cheek and told her how much I loved her. She was so happy and proud. I put the card on my dresser, the .81 cents back in her piggy bank and haven't taken the necklace off yet.

I guess because she isn't my own seed, and since Al & I aren't married YET, I thought that Father's Day didn't apply to me. I still don't look at myself as a Father yet, but I do think that I play an important role in Chaleigh's life. That's my girl. I often joke with Alex that if she dumps me, I'm fighting for custody of Charleigh. I love her. I love the role that I play in her life and the relationship that we are forming. I pray that it continues to grow, I learn so much from her every day. I feel honored that she even thought of me on Father's Day.

Last week I was looking at humansofny 's Instagram. I saw a picture of a middle-aged man with a young boy. The caption stated, "I'm not his father. I'm his friend" He was asked how they had met, his response, "I love his Mother, and it was a package deal." I feel the exact same way about Alex and Charleigh, and it was one hell of a deal.

Praise For Pops.

“Any fool with a dick can make a baby, but only a real man can raise his children.”

-Furious Styles, Boyz N The Hood

I just got off the phone with my Pops. Called him early to wish him a Happy Father's Day. I I had to beat my siblings to the call. Petty, I know. I felt bad because I woke him up. I could tell that he was still sleep when I called, he said that he was up all night watching boxing and game of thrones. I know he was probably pissed when his phone rang that early but he played it off.

I told him Happy Father's Day. He tells me, “Thanks Son, you, your brother and sister made me a Father, so I thank yall.” I laughed and said, “Well you made me, so I sho appreciate you.” I told him that I loved him and to go back to sleep, that I would call him later.

That's the type of Father that he is. Selfless. Even on the day designed to be about him he wants to make it about his kids. He doesn't need to thank us, without us, he would still exist, we wouldn't without him.  

One time I asked my Dad what he thought his purpose was. He responded quick, without hesitation saying that his purpose was to be a Father. He said that he always wanted to be one, that he prayed for a family when he was young. He LOVES being a Pops. He takes pride in it. He's a good ass Daddy too. Side note, I think black people are the only people that still call our Daddy, Daddy no matter how old we get. I may be wrong, but I've never heard it from anybody else. 

I know how blessed I am to have a Pops that WANTS to be a Pops. We aren't a burden on him. In fact, I think he is his happiest when he's helping somebody. And I've messed up so much that I've I always kept him happy. He's helped me more than I could ever re pay. Whenever I need some advice, he's always got it for me. Sometimes it might not be what I want to hear, but he's always honest with me. Sometimes brutally honest. Well, all the time he is brutally honest. I love this about him, when I was younger I used to think he was cold, now I know that he's just not gonna bullshit me. If I ask his opinion, that's exactly what he's gonna give me, whether I like it or not. I've learned that I've gotta have thick skin dealing with Pops. He's definitely not going to tell you what you want to hear. He's been keeping it 100 since before people said keep it 100.

Pops and I are closer now than ever. Even though we don't get to see each other that often. My biggest regret in being away from Kansas City is that I don't get to see my family on a regular basis. So earlier this year when I had to go home for three months, I really wanted to make the most of it and spend as much time with my Pops as I could. He's a long distance truck driver and is only home 2 days a week, tops. So, every Sunday we would go have breakfast at his favorite soul food restaurant. When we would walk in, everybody would be yelling his name like Norm on Cheers. For the next hour and a half to two hours, he would just school me. We would have great conversations. We talked about everything, from how to deal with these crazy women, to religion, raising pit bulls, to sports, to politics, to death. Not only would he school me, but he would listen too. This was new. I realized that he was finally seeing me as a man and not a boy. One Sunday, one of the waitresses came up and said excuse me, “Can I bring my sons here so you can talk to them too? Their no good daddy ain't never taught them shit!” We all laughed, but I was thinking “Hell naw! This is my time, your sons are on their own.” She was flirting. Trying to see if Pops would bite. We just laughed her off and kept talking. I will remember the lessons that I learned over those chicken and waffles forever, hopefully we'll be able to have a lot more. Now we talk on the phone a few times a week. That will have to do until I can see him again.

I know how rare it is to have a good Father. A lot of my friends, don't have their Dads in their lives. This has been the case since I was young. I've never taken this for granted. I know that he is just doing what he is supposed to do, but a lot of “men” don't do it. My boys love being around my Dad. He talks to them the same way that he talks to me. Gives them the same lessons that I get. He knows that if they don't hear it from him, that it's a good chance that they won't hear it. They all appreciate him for that, so do I. 

I couldn't imagine having a better Pops. He's like Uncle Phil, James Evans, John Q, Mufasa and Dr. Huxtable all in one. (Not Bill Cosby, Dr. Huxtable) I've learned so much from him. I've received so much. The greatest gift that he's given me has been the example that he set. After seeing what a great father looks like, I have no excuse. I pray that whenever I get jumped in to DaddyGang that my Son will feel about me the same way that I feel about my Pops.

Take a look...

June has been a crazy month. A lot has happened that I didn't see coming. I'll talk about that more in a future entry. I've had a lot of time on my hands lately. With this time, I wanted to be as productive as possible. I wanted to grow spiritually, physically and mentally. 

So, I've been having more conversations with God. We're pretty tight right now. I've been working out more often. I've been addicted to calisthenics for a few months now. Which is good for me because I'm allergic to the weight room. (My basketball coaches hated me for this. I would tell them that I wasn't a bodybuilder, I'm here to get buckets. Weights didn't do nothing but throw my shot off. ) I've been playing ball a little bit here and there. (Still got it.) Al and I have been running, which I hate to do alone but it's not that bad when we're together, plus, I have to run with her because whenever she runs alone, men literally come out the wood works to hit on her. I ain't got time...She just got a damn Fitbit yesterday and I'm already coming up with ways for it to “come up missing”. She's obsessed with getting her 1 millions steps a day in now, so of course I have to go on these walks with her. I didn't sign up for this.

To grow mentally, I've been doing research for a few projects that I'm working on that I'm really excited about. I've also been trying to guard what I give my attention to. I haven't been watching as much TV. With the exception being The NBA Finals. No way in hell that I would miss King vs. Chef. And now that OITNB is back I will be stuck on that for the next couple of days until I'm mad at myself that I have to wait another year for the next season. Last week I decided to take a break from Instagram. I was becoming addicted again. The break lasted a whole 7 days. I downloaded the app back on my phone yesterday just in time for SPS. 

With this time, I also wanted to read more. I love to read, I just don't do it as consistently as I would like to. Living right across the street from a huge library, I have no excuse. This summer, I'm challenging myself (and anyone that would like to join) to read a book a week.  

I decided to start with a re-read of a book that I first read years ago but didn't own because my brother Jordan “borrowed” my copy and I never got it back. The book is an American Classic, Pimp by Iceberg Slim. In this autobiography, Slim tells a great story. It is described as, “A blueprint. A bible. What Sun Tzu's Art of War was to Ancient China, Pimp is to the streets.” The book is very entertaining. Slim makes his story really come to life, he makes you feel like you were riding in his Cadillac pimping right with him. When he goes to prison, you feel like you're his cell mate. He was an amazing author. He didn't glorify pimping, or his drug addiction,  he just told his story, the ups and the downs. He's a master storyteller. Yesterday, Chuck saw the book sitting on the counter and read the title, I had to take it and put it away, I don't want her getting exposed to the pimp game EVER, especially not at 7 years old.

I remember my Pops bought me Pimp because he wanted me to embrace reading, but when I was young I never did. He used to buy me books like The Miseducation of the Negro, or The Prince but I wasn't interested in them. In the late 90's/ early 2000's, I was fascinated by Pimping. I Blame Pimp-C and my Uncle Doug, who according to him was the best pimp Kansas City ever produced. You couldn't tell my early teenage self that I wasn't a Pimp in training. He knew this, he also knew how good of a book Pimp was, so he put two and two together and hoped that it would spark something in me.

Pops didn't care what I read, he just wanted me to love reading. He knew how important reading is, how much knowledge can be found in books. Since then, I have read all types of books. Now I love it, I'm geeked whenever I get a new book. If you have a good book in mind, feel free to share it with me. 

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

I find myself saying this every month, but I can't believe that it's already June.  Time is flying, I feel like I should stop being so surprised by this because it clearly isn't slowing down, ever...I woke up excited today. I have this weird thing with fresh starts. I am excited on Mondays for this reason. I am also excited every first of the month for the same reason, and because it gives me a reason to play Bone Thugs and rap along mumbling words and acting like I'm in the video. When the first of a month falls on a Monday I get geeked. It makes me want to start all types of challenges. I start thinking that I should read a book every day, or do 10, 000 push ups for the month, or go vegan for the month (until I think about all the BBQ Chicken that I would have to give up) it makes me really want to conquer the month. 

This being the first day of the last month of the first half of the year, and a Monday, I was ready for action. This year has thrown some curveballs at me so far, but I'm still here and I'm feeling great. I feel like I'm making good progress in my life. The progress isn't coming fast, but slow progress is better than no progress.  

My plan was to wake up at around 6 today and get my day started. I was going to wake up, pray, read, brainstorm, write my goals for the month, workout, shower, eat and get to work. However, I was up later than expected fooling with Alex. I'm not mad at that at all. So I woke up around 7:45, didn't have time to workout so that got postponed until tonight. I prayed in bed, just a quick thank you. God said “no problem”. I went to the bathroom, knew I wasn't gonna have time to read or write out my goals but I did have some time to think in there. While I was sitting there I pulled out my phone and was going through some old notes that I had in it. I have a lot of randomness in my notes, song lyrics, recipes, old church notes, and other things that I jot down real quick that I don't use. While scrolling through, I saw something that my dad told me about 6 months ago on the phone. He told me that “The decisions that you make today, create the reality that you live in tomorrow.” I haven't thought about this since the day he told me. I remember when he told me this asking whose quote it was and he said that it's his. It really resonated with me that day and I was disappointed in myself when I realized that I forgot all about it until today. His words were so true, my reality today is definitely the direct result of decisions that I've made so far this year.

Reading this made me think. Instead of making my goals for the month, I decided to make decisions. I've made a lot of goals over the years, reached some, didn't reach others. For me, goals have always been things that I've WANTED to do, but they weren't definite, they were almost optional. I was hopeful that I would accomplish them. But decisions are different, after I make a decision I feel as though it is already so. I've decided to no longer be hopeful about my life. It's MY life. I know what I want from it and how to make those things happen. Now I just have to decide that those are happening and do it. There are some things that I can not control in my life, I'm not worried about them, I am focused on what I can. I started today on Monday, the first. I wrote out my June Decisions. Things that I have decided to do for the month. Now it's time to make them happen. 

 

T.G.I.S.

My favorite day of the week is easily Sunday. It's the perfect day for rest and relaxation. It is usually a great sports day. From September to February I enjoy watching the Chiefs break my heart over and over again. (This next season will be ours.) From March to June, basketball takes over with March Madness and the NBA Playoffs. It is also a great day to spend with friends and family since most people are off from work on this day. Some people go to Church all day and others get drunk as a skunk for Sunday Funday. I've done both over the years. Sunday's just have a good vibe to them. The only thing that could make Sunday's better for me would be Chick-Fil-A being open, as a matter of fact they need to have a Sunday buffet just to make up for all of the times that I pulled up already tasting that deluxe chicken sandwich only to find an empty parking lot to remind me that it's Sunday.

Today I woke up in a decent mood, not great, not bad, but decent. My allergies woke me up so I felt like I didn't get all of the rest that I wanted. I had crazy dreams last night, so those kept waking me up throughout the night too. I woke up for good around 9. I was feeling a little cranky but I didn't want to take it out on the family. Alex made a great French toast breakfast. I don't know what she's got up her sleeve, but she's been cooking like crazy, I ain't mad at that at all. 

After breakfast, Al and I were both feeling lazy. We didn't feel like doing anything. We would've been completely satisfied chilling all day.  All I wanted to do today was eat, maybe read, try to get lucky, take a nap and watch the game tonight. However when you have a seven year old in the house full of energy, there's no such thing as a lazy Sunday. I am still adjusting to this. I'm used to doing whatever I want to do, when I want to do it. Having a family, this is no longer the case. You hear a lot about the big sacrifices made for families, but I'm still adjusting to the small ones. Like yesterday I was trying to watch a movie, The Professional, an old movie about this Italian hit man named Leon. I used to watch this with my Pops when I was younger. Leon is cold blooded. As soon as I started the movie, Charleigh asked did I want to play a game in her room. Did I want to play the game? Not really. Did I want her to be happy? Yes, so we played with her nerf now and arrow and had a lot of fun. We were both happy, and after the game she let me chill and watch Leon put the work in. I'm learning.

So we got dressed and decided to hit the streets. Before we left, Alex decided to make sandwiches. After her nagging for 5 minutes about how I tied the bread bag, I jokingly asked her if she was sure she didn't want to have girls day and leave me at home. She said, "You don't have to come if you don't want to." I'm not falling for that trick, hell naw. Stay home thinking everything is cool only for her to come home with an attitude, I'm not stupid. 

We ended up going to the National Cathedral. The weather was perfect and the Cathedral was amazing. It was beautiful to see, lately I've had this fascination with the architecture of old churches, s I was happy. We laid out some blankets and relaxed. I read a little bit before putting my headphones on and taking a little nap. While I was trying to sleep, Charleigh was playing HARD. Running around, doing cartwheels, telling jokes, she was having a great time. She don't get tired!

Watching her reminded me of some advice that my OG Henry gave me some years ago. He told me to “try to live every day as a child in the sun.” A child in the sun isn't worrying about anything. They are living completely in the moment. Enjoying life and living it to the fullest, going as hard as possible. I needed this reminder, this isn't something that I've been practicing. You never know what will inspire you. For me, it was a seven year old doing cartwheels in the grass.

As I am writing this, we just got back to the house. The girls are in our bedroom watching a movie and I'm waiting on Lebron to rip the Hawks hearts out. We'll be having dinner soon and I've still got my fingers crossed on getting lucky.  Damn I love Sunday's.

Break The Habit.

I have a bad habit. I am a habitual flaker. People invite me to things and I'll say “I'm gonna try to make it.” Knowing good and well that I'm not gonna make any effort to go. My close friends know this about me. They expect me not to show up, and are surprised if I do. I'm even worst when it comes to making plans, I just don't like them. I can't predict if I'm going to feel like doing something days in advance, so instead of having to come up with a reason not to, I just don't commit.

I do my best flaking when friends come into town. I don't know why, I just do. I hate entertaining people, I'd rather just chill. I have been doing this pretty consistently now since I have lived in LA and now in the DMV. I feel like when people come to town they want to kick it hard and I really can't match their desire to kick it.  

So Friday I received a text from one of my boys from High School, David. He now lives in Boston and is a middle school history teacher.  I haven't seen him in at least 5 years. Since I've had the same phone number since I first got a cell phone when I was about 15, it's not hard for my old friends to get in touch with me. Dave said that he would be in town for the weekend and wanted to link up. I immediately thought about flaking again. I planned on having a boring, uneventful weekend, but something was telling me that I needed to see him this weekend. I figured that I would at least call him and see what he had going on. I called Dave and we played phone tag Friday night, but I knew that I was staying in the house anyway.  

He called me the next afternoon and I said fuck it, Dave is my boy, it's time to break my habit. I stopped being fake busy and picked up the phone. He said that he would be going to the MLK Memorial. I haven't been to the memorial yet and I've been wanting to go, I told him that I would meet him there. 

The memorial is amazing. It's so powerful. I was there in awe of the statue, when I heard my boy singing reggae behind me. It was so good to see Dave. We had some great times over the years, and some crazy stories that will not be mentioned in this entry. Until I saw him again, I had forgotten how close we were. He's my boy fareal fareal. (You know it's serious when you add that second fareal)

I'm not going to give the play by play of our day kicking it, but we had a great time. We went to the Wizards playoff game, had some BBQ, talked about the good old days and our present days and futures. I was inspired and motivated by the conversations that we had. We still have a lot in common and it was great hearing about his journey and sharing mine. It didn't feel like 5 years had passed at all. It was just like the good old days back at his mom's house in the early 2000's.  It was one of the best days that I've had in a long time. I had no idea how much good seeing a familiar face and a real friend of mine would be for me. I felt re-energized after hanging with Dave. 

I also felt bad for all the flaking that I've done over the years. I've got some really great friends, I consider most of them to be my family. Friendship is one of the most valuable things that we have in this life. Having somebody that genuinely cares about your well-being and enjoys your company is rare. My friends know me as well as anybody, even my family. They've seen me at my best and my worst and still love me. I've been blessed with great friends and I've foolishly missed out on some great opportunities to make memories with them. So from here on out, I'm gonna make a real effort to be a better friend. I owe that much to my people. I'm gonna do better. 

Fight Vs. Flight

We are all faced with this dilemma in life. Oftentimes, it is a very tough decision. Fighting is often seen as a sign of manhood. We always want to prove how tough we are. However, sometimes knowing when to walk away takes more courage and bravery than fighting. Walking away, or even running away from some situations are necessary but that doesn't always make it an easy task. 

When I talk about fighting, I am not really referring to physical combat. Those days should be over for me, I'm too old to be fighting in somebody's club. I'm still ready though, just in case shit gets outta hand. You never know, might have one more good rumble for old time sakes. On second thought, I don't have bail money in my budget or health insurance, so I better not.  

We often have psychological and emotional fights. Life is full of these, we have to fight for our dreams, opportunities and relationships. Nothing comes easy. Not lately for me at least.

My family loves fights. It is something that we all have in common. My mom and pops used to go to boxing matches before I was even thought about. They passed down their love of the sport to me. Just this past Saturday I was calling both of them asking if they were watching the fights on HBO. We talk almost everyday about our excitement for the Mayweather fight this weekend. (SideNote: I'm taking all bets, I've got my money on my guy Floyd. TMT.) Pops and I love talking about fights. It started when I was young, when he started teaching me how to box, which somehow ended in me having a bloody nose. He would tell me about different fights that he had went to, fights that he had been in, him fighting for opportunities, and when he and my mom decided to stop fighting and let their marriage go. It was time for the towels to be thrown in.

Pops always gave me this advice, “If you're going to fight, make sure that you fight FOR something and not OVER something. If you fight FOR something and win, you gain something, if you fight OVER something, you don't.” I've always remembered this. 

Lately, I have been faced with many fights in my life. Fighting for my future. I want to be brave enough to fight FOR something. I also want to be wise enough to know when it's time to walk away. I know that you can't win them all. Fighters are trained to be smart first, brave second. Some fighters never learn that lesson. They are too brave for their own good. They think that no matter how much of a beaten that they're taking, no matter how many points behind they are on the scorecard, they have to keep going, their hearts won't let them stop fighting. Fight fans classify these fighters as warriors. We love them, even if they don't win. They always believe that they can win, and they are willing to die trying. 

When I am faced with the dilemma of Fight vs. Flight, I think to myself, will a victory be worth the effort? Will a loss be worth the scars? If the answers are no, it's time to walk away. If the answers are yes, I'll die fighting for what I believe is meant for me. Well, I'd rather not die, but you know what I mean. I'm gonna fight with everything that I've got. 

I was going to end the entry right there, but just thinking about this reminds of a story. I had to be 19 at the time, maybe 20. Me and my boys were at the club, drunk as a gang of skunks. The club just got shut down because a big fight broke out. We weren't in it, but the fight definitely sobered me up a little bit and I was thinking straight, trying to stay alert. While we were walking to the car, somehow one of my guys got into with another group of fellas. They were just as drunk as we were. The words quickly escalated and one of them threw a weak ass drunk punch at my boy. As soon as he did this, a cops flashlight shined on us and I saw that the cops were out with the dogs. Mind you, a couple of us had just been arrested a few weeks before and I really wasn't trying to go through that again, and I definitely didn't want that dog on my ass. So, both groups of us saw the cops and decided to get out of there, we all took off running. The fight wasn't worth it that night, even though I really wish we could've stomped them out. I'm still a man, and sometimes we don't want to do better even though we know better. Sometimes the best thing for us, is the hardest thing for us to do.

Still I see no changes...

Photo Credit: @BYDVNLLN

I was going to post a different entry tonight. Something that I wrote earlier today about my personal life. However, tonight it just didn't feel right.  

I have been watching everything going on in Baltimore after the death of Freddy Gray. Another black man dead at the hands of police officers. It hurts. It's hurts every time. I see the pain in his family's eyes. That's real pain. A pain that we are feeling far too often.

I remember not too many years ago when I sat at my boy's funeral who had been killed by police bullets. I remember how I felt when those cops were given temporary leave with pay, no other consequences. I remember seeing his father cry at the casket and his baby girl asking where her daddy was. I felt helpless.

I feel helpless now. I wish there was an easy answer as to what we should do as a people. I don't know. How do we change the hearts of men? We say, know, and believe that black lives matter, but some people, in positions of authority, clearly don't agree. It's painful, it's frustrating. This is a fight that has been going on far before our generation became the victims and it does not seem to be getting any better. 

I guess all that I can do tonight is hope and pray that things get better. Truthfully, I'm tired of hoping and praying and wishing for justice. I'm tired of our lives being undervalued. I'm tired of seeing new hashtags and t-shirts every month. I wish that I had a solution, a way to make a real change. Unfortunately, tonight I don't. I don't know how to change the hearts of men. I just pray that everybody stays safe. Nothing positive will come from another loss. 

My Lambo's Blue...

This past Friday I had the most fun that I have had in a long time. I was honored to accompany my lady to the National Poetry Month Celebration at The White House. This was easily one of the best experiences that I've ever had. 

When Alex received the e-mail invite from The President and The First Lady about a week ago, she thought someone was playing a trick on her. After some investigating, we found out that the invitation was the real deal. I was so excited for her, and as her biggest fan, I was not surprised. She deserves to be invited to these types of events. I only had one question at this point... “CAN I COME?!?” Luckily, they said it was cool for her to bring a +1, and after a background check, (which I was nervous about, even though I knew nothing would come up, I paid big bucks for those expungements) I made the cut! 

After I found out that we were officially going, I did what I do every time I get some good news, called Mama. She was so excited! Her first question was, "Will the Obama's be there?!" I told her that I didn't know, but I was hoping that they would be. I didn't want to get my hopes up. The next thing she said was, "Ask him for a job!" I think that the POTUS has enough on his plate already, I don't think that he has time to find a gig for me. We got a good laugh out of that. She was so happy for us. As soon as we got off the phone, she googled the event and sent me a text saying that the President will be opening the ceremony and the First Lady will be closing it. My hopes were officially up.

The day finally came. I woke up early. It felt like Christmas morning. Alex was laughing at me because I told her that I was wearing my suit. I didn't care, I was told that you could never be overdressed. There was no way in hell that I was gonna be walking the halls of The White House and not be suited and booted. We got dressed and made our way down to the WH. We made sure that we got there early, this wasn't No Cover at the club before 11 that we're talking about here. When we arrived, I quickly noticed that EVERY other man there had a suit on also, I guess I have a little sense.  

After we made it through the line, and all the security checks, we were inside. I was finally stompin with the big dogs. We were walking around in awe. It was beautiful inside. I needed something to take home, so I went to the bathroom and took some of the fancy paper towels with the President's seal on them. I guess I don't know how to act. After I ate about a dozen of the cookies that they were offering, it was time for the event to begin.

We were ushered into a small conference room and seated. I look around the room and it was a beautiful sight. There were only about 50 people in all, and a good percentage were young and black. Everyone was clearly just as excited as we were to be there. Now we were all waiting to see if the Obama's were gonna be there. 

Our First Lady was introduced first. She came from a side door just as beautiful as she wanted to be. She greeted the room and was seated on the front row.  Alex and I could barely stay seated, but we played it cool. A young poet from New Orleans was introduced to open the ceremony. She gave a great speech about the importance of Poetry. She concluded her speech by introducing The President of the United States, Barack Obama. The whole room was buzzing as he came out of the side door. He received a standing ovation and made the coolest walk to the podium that I've ever seen. I've met and seen a lot of celebrities and famous people, I've never been star struck. This was different. I remember exactly how I felt, (and the celebratory gunshots and fireworks at my HBCU) the night that he was elected. I was in shock, Alex and I were both tripping! He was right there! No further than a free throw line away from us. I've never seen anyone control a room like he did. He gave a great speech, which I can't remember much of, because I was too excited to focus, introduced the honoree and his friend, Elizabeth Alexander, and went right back out of the side door that he came in.  After Mrs. Alexander gave an amazing presentation, Mrs. Obama closed out the ceremony. She is tough! Everything about her was on point. She gave a great speech about the importance of the arts. She also made a call to action for everyone in the room to step up make an impact on the world. After her speech, the celebration was over. 

As we walked out, I know that I had to have a huge smile on my face. I was so inspired. Even though I didn't have the chance to meet the President or the First Lady, just being in the same room as them was amazing. I have never been in the presence of greatness on that level. No matter what people may say about them, they are making history, and that can never be taken away. Just being there made me want to do more. When I saw them in person, it just made me realize even more that anything is truly possible. I will remember this day for the rest of my life. One day, Alex and I will be able to tell our grandkids that we were invited to The White House by the first black President. I'm sure by the time we tell them, the story will change to we met them and I beat President Obama in a game of one on one on his basketball court. 

California Love.

I am writing this from a plane heading back to D.C. from Los Angeles. Alex, Charleigh, and myself, spent the last seven days in California for Chuck's (Charleigh's) spring break. This was our first family vacation. We had a great trip. Especially Charleigh, she LOVED everything about California. She did not want to come back, probably because she didn't want to go back to school. School isn't her favorite place. I'm sure she would rather spend everyday at the beach and having fun instead of taking care of her (First Grade) business. Wouldn't we all?

Sometimes, it is still weird to me that I have a family to do things like take vacations with. I am definitely experiencing a lot of new things, things that I never thought that I would experience. I am enjoying them. We are all learning and adjusting together. It has been a fun process. I hope that I am doing a good job being a family man, I'm definitely learning on the fly, and I'm cool with that. Charleigh loves me and her Mama is still putting up with me so I guess I'm doing alright.

It felt good to be back in California for a little bit. I lived there from September 2011 to May 2014. I really enjoyed my time out there. It's definitely my second home. I had some great times there and made some good friends. Mostly guys that I used to cook on the basketball court. I saw some of them while I was there this past week. Went ahead and cooked them for old times sake, had to let em know that ain't nothing changed. 

Being back in LA definitely made me reminisce. I enjoyed being back and hanging with some of the fellas. I loved being able to spend time with my sister Sada. (make sure you go get her album “Long Story Short” off iTunes if you don't have it already.) I reminisced on a time in my life that was a lot of fun. I would play ball every morning, hang with the fellas, I had a fun job working with some great kids, would go to the beach on the weekends, enjoy the sun shining and the perfect weather everyday. It was definitely a good few years. My best times in LA came when I was courting Alex. She would come out to visit me and we would get to run the streets and explore the city together. We went to damn near every vegan restaurant and art gallery out there. We would go to the beach and just sit in the sun and talk for hours. We went hiking and practiced yoga. We would drive by the clubs and laugh at all the “baddies” waiting to get inside. We have great memories from this time. It feels like that was about 20 years ago now, but it was only two. We have our spots that remind us of a special time for the both of us. 

I never wanted to leave LA. I loved it there, I still do. I made the decision to move last year when long distance was getting too tough for Al and I. We wanted to be together everyday and had to figure out how to make it happen. As much as I wanted to stay, and as bad as she wanted to bring Charleigh and live in California, we both knew that the timing wasn't right for that. So I decided to up and move to the DMV to take our relationship to another level. I remember when I told people that I was moving to be with my girl. Some thought I was crazy, others thought it was a good move. I really didn't give a damn what anybody thought. I was the one making the decision. I knew what I wanted and what I felt was best for me as a man. I knew that it would not be easy, but I wasn't scared. I was ready for the challenge. 

Since I moved away, it's definitely been an experience. We've had some tough times, and we've had some amazing times. That's life. No situation is going to be perfect all  of the time. It even rains in Southern California, (Tony and nem lied) not often, but it does. I know that I made the right move for me. As much as I miss LA, I wouldn't change my decision to move. I think that I have learned more about myself and grown more in the past twelve months here than I did in the almost three years that I lived there. 

All in all, it was good to get back out there for a few days. Hopefully we can make our way back there and stay for good soon. I need that sun 350 days a year. Especially now that it's black emojis. This gloomy weather in DC has me looking like the yellow defaults. I need my summer color all year long. 👳🏾

Devil get up off me...

I drive myself crazy from time to time. For the last two weeks, I have been insane. I know that we are supposed to stay positive and smile through the tough times, and know that the sun will come out tomorrow and that joy comes in the morning and all that, but sometimes all of that is easier said than done. I'm human. Most days, I am up, but some days, I am down. Some days, I am happy being unhappy.  

I've been back in the DMV for about 3 weeks now, and I'm looking for a new gig. This shit is so frustrating. Looking for a job and watching your bank account get lower and lower is a terrible feeling. One that I know far too well. In the past, I would deal with these things on my own. I would shut down. I would seclude myself from the world. It would just be me and God, figuring things out. He has always made something happen.  

We almost have a routine. I get in a funk, I'm in a shitty mood and stay to myself and go crazy for a few days, negativity runs wild in my head, I feel like a failure and that things will never get better. Then, I snap out of it. I remember how God has always looked out for me. Every single time. I start thanking him in advance for looking out for me again, and good things start to happen.

This go around, things have been more intense. Being in a relationship, and living with my girl, or shacking up as church folks would say, I can't go through my normal routine. I can't just shut down and be quiet for a few days. I can't seclude myself. When I do, I hear "What's wrong? What are you thinking about?" And I really rather not talk about it, and now I'm an asshole. So not only am I in a bad mood, but Alex is mad at me because I'm in a bad mood and ruining her good mood. I know that she only wants to help, I appreciate that, but the concept of receiving help and support is new to me. I'm new to all of this, having help and talking about my problems are stll hard for me. I like dealing with things my way, on my own. I know this sounds selfish, but that's the only way I know. I'm an old dog trying to learn new tricks. I'm working on it.

So since I wasn't able to go through my natural routine this time around, my funk lasted longer than normal. I was really going crazy, saying and thinking all types of negative things. I was so frustrated, I was no fun to be around. I'm sure Alex wanted to put my crazy ass out. She didn't though, she was patient with me, she knew that I was crazy when she first got with me. She's stuck with me now, in too deep. 

After going crazy for a couple of weeks, I decided that enough was enough this morning. I listened to Kendrick's album for about the 100th time, (it's a masterpiece)  and decided that I was out of my funk. On the last track of the album, Kendrick asks Tupac how did he manage to keep his sanity, Pac answers, "By my faith in God, by my faith in the game, and by my faith in all good things come to those who stay true." After hearing this, I got on my knees and apologized to God for being so negative and thanked him for every single blessing in my life. Next, I apologized to Alex for being a lunatic. I am officially out of my funk. I know for a fact that God is looking out for and that good things are coming my way. Ain't no negativity bih...

Same Ol' G...

As I mentioned in my last entry, I spent the last three months back home in Kansas City. During this time, I was able to hang with some of my good friends, people that I consider to be family. My core group of close frends are people that I went to high school with. We grew up together and remain extremely close to this day. These people REALLY know me.

It was great to spend time with my people again, living across the country, I don't get to see them often. No matter how much time passes between us seeing each other, it always feels like the good old days. I know that friendships that have lasted 15+ years are rare and I do not take them for granted. These are people that I know from experience have my back. Blood really coudn't make us any closer. These people are definitely family. 

A subject that continued to come up while I was talking to my friends was Change. More specifically, me changing. All of the fellas were hanging, just shooting the shit, and we got on the subject of how some people that we grew up with have switched up and are completely different people now. No judgment towards them, we were just talking about how much a person can change in a short amount of time. During the conversation, one of my boys looked at me and said, "Shit, you changed." In a lighthearted way. I was shocked, I asked, How? He said, "Man you're all settled down now, I never thought I'd see it, you've changed!" I knew what he meant, but I disagreed with him, I told him that I didn't change, I'm still ME, my situation just change. It had to, for me to be the man that I want to be, things had to change. At 28, I can't do the same things that I was doing at 18. That would be a bad look. However, just because I'm not chasing hoes (his words) or partying every weekend anymore, doesn't mean that I, who I am, has changed. I look at it as maturing, and I still have a looong way to go. I am working on being more productive, living a meaningful life, and trying to find my purpose. I know that it's crazy for some people to see me in a serious relationship, or practicing Yoga, or reading certain books, or trying to get closer to God, but I am enjoying all of these things. Sometimes I sit and think about how different my life is today than it was a few years ago. Not much is the same, but I remember praying for my life to change, I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but I knew that I wanted things to be different, and they are.  

I remember a conversation that I had with my brother a couple of years ago. I told him that if I died then, that a lot of people would remember me by saying, "That boy could shoot a basketball and had some bad bitches. (Again, THEIR WORDS)"  I wanted to be remembered for more than that. I want to leave a better legacy than that. So hell, maybe I have changed, if so, I know it's for the better.

Update!

Happy Monday. For the first time in about 3 months, I woke up in my own bed this morning. I didn't have the best night of sleep due to the fact that Alex was hogging the covers. I'm sure that she has a different side of that story, either way, I still managed to wake up feeling refreshed. We just finished a two day roadtrip from my hometown of Kansas City back to Maryland. Being on the road together was a fun experience, but we were both over it by our tenth hour on the highway. The trip was something that I'm sure we both will remember and that we will probably never do again. It's not enough songs, podcasts, or Plies IG videos in the world to entertain us for a 15 hour drive. She was a trooper though, I just knew that she was gonna end up asking me to drop her off at the nearest airport. 

I spent the last three months back home in KC. This was the first time in almost 4 years that I spent more than a week in my hometown. I moved away in 2011 to live in Los Angeles with my sister. I loved California, I wanted to live there forever. Until I met this fine ass woman that lived in Maryland, I packed up and moved across the country last year to build a life with her. I unexpectedly needed to return home in December to take care of some family business. I didn't know if I was going to stay for a week or a year, I just needed to be home. 

While I was home, I was reminded of the importance of family. I got to spend quality time with my family that I have never got to spend as an adult. I was able to hang with my Mom everyday, I was able to have great conversations with my brother. I went to eat with my Pops every Sunday and talked to him about what it takes to be a Man. I was able to see my boys that I haven't got to spend real time with in years, it was great to see how we have all grown from those young boys that used to run the streets into the men that we are today. Alex also got to come home with me and spend time with my people. We had a great time in my city, we went to the museums, and all of the local shops, she ate some of the best barbecue in the world. She got the full Kansas City experience. I was proud to show her where I come from, she said that she's never seen anything like Kansas City Pride. 

Overall, the last three months have been great for me. Even though it was extremely difficult to be away from home for this time, I think that many positives came out of it. Now, I am back and ready to hit the ground running. My family is straight, my relationship is in a great place, God is speaking loud and clear to me, I feel very focused. I feel like going home recharged me. Today almost feels like New Years for me, I feel like I am getting a fresh start. I am ready to make the most out of it.

Choose Up.

Today is a special day, not just any day...(word to Tony, Toni, Tone.)  

On this exact date, two years ago, my life changed. That sounds very dramatic when I read it, but that's exactly what happened. February 23rd is the day that I met Alex, with her fine ass. 

I remember parts of this day very clearly. It was a Saturday, another perfect day in Los Angeles. I had two tickets to go see my bro Alec and the Utah Jazz play the Clippers. This was the first NBA game that I ever attended so I was fired up. I decided to take my sister, she's a huge sports fan, so I knew that we would have a great time. 

So we get to the Staples Center and I'm loving it. We had great seats, Blake Griffin and Chris Paul were flopping, lil bro was playing a good game, people were drunk in the crowd, it was a good time. Around the 3rd Quarter, I decided to check my phone. When I looked on my phone I had a lot of instagram notifications. I was SHOCKED to see that Alex had been liking and commenting on all of my pictures. I guess I couldn't hide how happy I was because my sister asked me "What are you looking at?!?"  she's real nosey, she wanted to know what was taking my attention away from the game. I said nothing, put my phone back in my pocket and watched the action on the court. By this time my focus was nowhere near this game. I was trying to figure out how the hell Alex found me first of all and secondly if she was choosing me, or just being nice.

I should probably give some background information at this part of the story. I had been following Alex on social media for about 6 months before this night. She calls it stalking, I say that I just had my eyes on her. I first saw her on Tumblr, I then found her IG and Twitter. I was definitely very intrigued from a distance. When I followed her on Twitter, she gave me a compliment on my locs, I said thank you and gave a compliment back, that was it, that was about three months before this night. I tried to say something to her a month before when she was asking about one of my favorite books, The Alchemist on twitter, but she ignored me. (She denies this happening, but I remember.) As bad as I wanted to reach out to her, I didn't. Pimp-C told me that real player's get chose! I really just didn't think that I had a shot. Wasn't gonna have me looking stupid in her DM's hoping for a reply, hell naw! Luckily, God knew that my pride would hold me back and made a way out of no way. She chose me. 

I looked back at my phone in the 4th Quarter. I've never been so happy to see a notification. Alex slid right in my DM's. God is good. I knew she had messed up then, all I needed was a toe in the door and I knew I was gonna kick it down. No way I was letting this opportunity pass me up. I literally used to describe Alex when people would ask me who my dream woman was. And now here she was, in my phone. I kept the DM conversation going into the next day. She gave me her number 16 messages later and she's been stuck with me ever since.  

Moral of the story, don't be scared to use that DM feature if you are interested in somebody, you might look like a creep, but it might turn ino something special.

I'm Thankful.

I am writing this at 8:30 on Sunday morning. I have been awake for about two hours now, even though I planned on sleeping in today. I wake up at 5:45 for work during the week, so my body won't sleep past 7 anymore. I also can't stay awake any later than 10:30 now. I haven't been to bed that early ever since I started staying up late to sneak and watch BET uncut back in my adolescent days, I guess I'm getting old. 

I've tried to go back to sleep but I can't. While I was laying in my bed, my mind started racing, this happens often. The thoughts were very random at first, about what I want to do today, hoping that the snow doesn't come, about the dunk contest last night and the Paddington Bear movie that I saw yesterday with my niece. My mind was all over the place, and then out of nowhere, money popped in my head. I started wondering how much was in my bank account, and how I don't have enough, and what I need to do to get more. I felt myself beginning to worry and become stressed.  

This week, I met up with my potnas Jordan and Turtle. I had a really good time catching up with them. They were both teammates of mine in college and I look at both of them as brothers now. We were discussing life and how we are going to make it like we usually do, when Jordan brought up something that was worrying him. My man Turtle, cut him off in the middle of his sentence. He said that Ghandi told him, "There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and the one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever." 

This morning in the middle of my worry session, I heard Turtle's St. Louis accent pop into my head. I immediately decided to stop worrying. I decided to think about how blessed I am. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have my health, I have an awesome family and great friends. I have an amazing woman and little girl that love me to death. My bills are paid, I have a brand new box of Lucky Charms AND milk, I'm good! I have more than enough. God has always been so good to me, and I know that he will continue to be.

God is good, All the time and yall know the rest. *cues praise and worship music, preferrably 90's Kirk Franklin* 

These last few months have been some of the toughest months of my life. Myself and people close to me have been dealing with a lot. It seems like everybody that I know is dealing with something. I guess that's just life. Sometimes it is difficult not to worry, and to stay postive. However, I don't have a choice, I know that everything is going to work out how it is supposed to, worrying about something will not change the outcome. Happy Sunday, it's time for me to go make a Craig sized bowl of cereal. 

2.5

Time is flying. Sometimes I can't believe how fast the days are going by.  I feel like I just blinked  and missed January. However, it was a fairly productive month for me. I kept my goals in mind and worked towards them. I have no complaints about the first month of the year, but damn it feels like it was only yesterday that Alex and I were in the bed sleep at 11 o'clock on New Year's Eve like somebody's grandparents.  

I was riding around (and getting it) today and I happened to be listening to Joel Osteen's podcast. The topic of today's episode was Time. He spoke about how time is more valuable than money and how we need not waste it. This is something that I have agreed with for a long time, but I haven't always lived like it. Sometimes I take time for granted, like I know where I can go get some more, but this is all that we've got.  

So while I was thinking about time, I was filling out some paperwork when I wrote the date for the first time today. 2.5. When I was a kid, I used to look forward to this date. This day is exactly 6 months before and after my birthday. This was the day that I could officially add on the big "and a half" to whatever age I was. This was a big deal when I was a kid. I was in such a hurry to be grown. Only if I knew then what I know now. This grown shit is a set up. Anyway, I remembered how big of a deal this day used to be for me, my "half birthday". Times have changed, I don't mention the "and a half" anymore when asked my age. Sometimes I really have to think about how old I am. I had to think hard about what I did for my last birthday. Maybe I'm getting old. 

I am 28 (and a half) years old, this is crazy to me. I can remember being 16 vividly,  My life is COMPLETELY different than what I pictured it would be at 28. I figured that I would be in my 5th year in the NBA, with millions of dollars in the bank, still macking and hanging, partying from city to city, just living it up. Not happening. I am happy though, I can still relive my hoop dreams every now and then, I don't have seven figures yet, but I'm working on it and I macked and hung and partied with the best of them.

I am happy, but I can't lie and say that getting older is easy on me. I have quarter-life crisis all of the time. I think that I'm not doing enough, I struggle with the fact that I feel like I still haven't found my purpose. I know that time is just going to keep going by faster, I am afraid that I'll wake up one day at 50 and feel as though I haven't been living a meaningful life. It's tough, but I've been doing better. I can drive myself crazy thinking about the future. I understand now, more than ever, that my life is what I make it, I am in control of it. I can't waste time thinking about what I'm not doing, I have to just DO. If I want to live a meaningful, productive life, I have to do meaningful, productive shit. It's quite simple. I am no longer in crisis mode, I feel really good about where I am in life and where God is taking me. Now it's time to turn up for my half birthday, and by turn up, I mean watch basketball until I fall asleep.